Dear Male Readers, I am sure I am not alone in this, when our hausnfraus and wife insist on always purchasing ginormous size discount toilet paper……we already know our woman wrap their hands with toilet paper like a boxing glove and block the toilets….meanwhile, we sit down on the throne….do our business…and unwrap a reasonable amount of toilet paper and oh my God….when we wipe, with cheap toilet paper, we have given ourselves our own prostate exam…..isn’t that gross….I propose we organize a national, no let me say, international day of protest….against crappy bulk size cheap toilet paper….still moaning in pain….still flushed with embarrassment from my own self induced prostate exam….Andy from Ottawa.
Steve, this is crazy Andy from Ottawa…we met in 91 and 92 in Ottawa and that was back when you were cool….you were brilliant, creative way beyond belief, loud and proud, and your life obviously proved your life set….which was learn, earn, and return i.e. to the public…..ok….so you gave up drugs, you gave up booze, and you evidently you gave up a shit load of friends and muses….who had inspired you….so for the past couple of years former fans were left gagging with the new Steve Earle…..a muted, castrated, college professor with a guitar, no band….today, I saw on the newscrawler, April 25, 2011, that you were deeply affected by Merle Haggard’s, I image, gravestone ephitaph and that’s what made you recover….p.s. Steve….detox is for quitters, abstinance is for quitters, so get real Steve….get back to your old real self and you might get mega rich, like you were before….yes, yes, I know…you still have to pay over 60 thousand dollars a month child support for all your kids…remember you told me that Steve back in 91? so you would be mega rich again if you ever returned to your real self….alas, back when you were cool and I called you friend…..Andy from Ottawa…
Israel, Israel, Israel, what are you to do? Just heard on CNN news at 3 o’clock p.m. EST, Sunday the 10th of April, that those oh so glorious warriors who launch rockets into your cities finally provoke your response, and they bleat…..We want a cease fire! God, Israel, thank God you’re a strong people….thank goodness for your patience….because if you responded like Dayan, ya, you would have eliminated them….but you would have the neo-facists states of the EU and everyone else, except Canada and the USA jumping to their defence….regardless of their numerous murderous provocations….if you can use a 56 year old ex-cop to work in a kibbutz to free up a healthy Sabra to fight or for that matter, me to fight send me an airline ticket….Shalom, best to you all, love and respect for your country and people, Andy from Ottawa…
Dear Skittles Fans,
Today is the 4th of April and I have to admit last night I spoiled and indulged myself on my own favorite meal for supper…that was, a tin of 10 highly marinated and spiced grape leaves aka Dulmas, I have no idea how many cloves of garlic that I store in olive oil and half a large jar of artichoke hearts…..hmmm…well, you can guess what all that spice and oil was roiling, churning, turning and doing to my innards…..well, it was all Skittles fault…as soon as I went to the bathroom this morning, Skittles on his volition, no force, no cohersion, followed me into the bathroom and while he was rubbing and purring and twirling about didn’t he do the most silliest thing….HE CLOSED THE BATHROOM DOOR…well anyways Dear Readers, with much methane noise and biodegradeable matter and even more methane Skittles was so sorry!!!!!!!!! He was literally and I kid you not, literally lying on his side trying to sniff fresh air from the bottom of the bathroom door…I admit I am embarrassed to tell you such graphic details, but you should have seen my out of breath hyper-ventilating Skittles….needless to say, before the door was even open 1/2 an inch after I was done…Skittles was gone….much love to y’all…purr from Skittles, Andy from Ottawa
I am a desert wanderer, struck half mad in my loneliness and confusion. I am plagued by a constantly parched throat and my insatiable hunger. I am lost and lonely and feel very, very sorry for myself in my miserable state. I am sure that I am far better off to die.
Wait……What is this I hear? From far away I hear the plaintive echoing cries of some owl, rising and falling from far off in the distance. I soon chanced upon a vast deep canyon, one so deep and frightening that every one of my hairs stood on end. A horrible wind tunnel raged inside and at the canyon’s very bottom below, waters raced and ravaged the canyon’s slick sandy sides, widening the canyon a hundred fold before my very eyes. That in turn made the powers of the wind a hundred fold stronger yet.
I, a sad and lonely man peered over the top lip of the canyon in total fascination for it was from here that I heard those unworldly plaintive echoing cries. I soon saw the speck of a tiny arctic owl struggling to break free of the ensnaring raging wind tunnel that would soon see him caught and plummeted to the grips of the nasty raging water far below, to be carried off with the sands that in turn were carried away from the sides of the canyon.
I, the sad wanderer continued to watch, totally engrossed and absorbed for the longest while, easily two or three settings and risings of the cold moon and hot sun, my own worries long and far behind me as my every being and thoughts watched the pained rise and fall of that exhausted arctic owl.
He continued to wage his life and death battle to break free of the devil’s own sinister grasp of the deadly canyon. The winds raged on and roared, deafening me even from my position of safety. My eyes were seared and the roots of my unkempt hair ached from being blown far back for so long….
Finally after what could have only been but the arctic owl’s last desperate effort, he was able to break free from the clutches of the unworldly powers of the devil’s wind. Barely managing to extricate himself, he struggled over the lip of the canyon. Gasping and tremoring, he paused at the top to regain his strength…..
He was not very far from me and I in my frozen awe was totally still. He was such a small fluffy bird to have waged such a long and heroic struggle, God! How cruel the fates are to have stricken such a small pretty bird! And a tiny, fluffy black eyed arctic owl at that! He did not even have so much as a solitary feather, wearing only his glossy white down and with the exceptions of the brilliant gold that encircled both his eyes; he was as magnificent and black as full moon night’s shadow….
Ever so slowly I inched over to him and ever slower yet, I knelt down to cradle him in my arms. Amazingly he was now already rested, his tiny heart racing like any normal birds. His enormous shiny eyes blinked up at me over mischievously and then POOF! He was gone!
It was then that it dawned on me that I no longer had my worries, fear or sadness around me. Suddenly the directions and answers I had long sought came to me and very soon after I was able to wander out of that accursed desert, never ever to return.
But I shall always thank and cherish my memories of that brave arctic owl…….
Dear Fans of Skittles, the magnificient cat, ……this morning he recanted to me two poems that he wishes to share with his international based audience. Here goes the first one:
Here I am, adore me,
Here I am, enchant me
Here I am, deify me
For I am Cat.
Paws on paper, never a tear
Paws on silk, never a fold
Paws on my heart, I am enchanted
Skittles is here.
Well that’s all for today folks. Purr….love, Andy from Ottawa and Skittles the Wonder Cat!
CNN, I address you specifically, please respect us, the public, enough that yes, we all loved and will miss Liz Taylor….she died at 79….she had a helluva lot of fun…and joy and success that few could ever imagine….now please do not saturate your airwaves for over a week non-stop about Liz. Oh, and coincidently, was it not 2 days ago in Iraq that a US Soldier was killed by an IED and you only reported it on the bottom of the news crawler and you never mentioned his name. Let’s get a little fairness here. Heroes or Stars? I think you know where I’m going on this. Stars have had their time…most of them…too much of it….but what about your 5000 Heroes that gave their lives in Iraq and Afganistan and soon I’m afraid…Libyia…yours, Andy from Canada.