Dear Male Readers, I am sure I am not alone in this, when our hausnfraus and wife insist on always purchasing ginormous size discount toilet paper……we already know our woman wrap their hands with toilet paper like a boxing glove and block the toilets….meanwhile, we sit down on the throne….do our business…and unwrap a reasonable amount of toilet paper and oh my God….when we wipe, with cheap toilet paper, we have given ourselves our own prostate exam…..isn’t that gross….I propose we organize a national, no let me say, international day of protest….against crappy bulk size cheap toilet paper….still moaning in pain….still flushed with embarrassment from my own self induced prostate exam….Andy from Ottawa.
Category Archives: Fable
Dear Skittles Fans,
Today is the 4th of April and I have to admit last night I spoiled and indulged myself on my own favorite meal for supper…that was, a tin of 10 highly marinated and spiced grape leaves aka Dulmas, I have no idea how many cloves of garlic that I store in olive oil and half a large jar of artichoke hearts…..hmmm…well, you can guess what all that spice and oil was roiling, churning, turning and doing to my innards…..well, it was all Skittles fault…as soon as I went to the bathroom this morning, Skittles on his volition, no force, no cohersion, followed me into the bathroom and while he was rubbing and purring and twirling about didn’t he do the most silliest thing….HE CLOSED THE BATHROOM DOOR…well anyways Dear Readers, with much methane noise and biodegradeable matter and even more methane Skittles was so sorry!!!!!!!!! He was literally and I kid you not, literally lying on his side trying to sniff fresh air from the bottom of the bathroom door…I admit I am embarrassed to tell you such graphic details, but you should have seen my out of breath hyper-ventilating Skittles….needless to say, before the door was even open 1/2 an inch after I was done…Skittles was gone….much love to y’all…purr from Skittles, Andy from Ottawa
I am a desert wanderer, struck half mad in my loneliness and confusion. I am plagued by a constantly parched throat and my insatiable hunger. I am lost and lonely and feel very, very sorry for myself in my miserable state. I am sure that I am far better off to die.
Wait……What is this I hear? From far away I hear the plaintive echoing cries of some owl, rising and falling from far off in the distance. I soon chanced upon a vast deep canyon, one so deep and frightening that every one of my hairs stood on end. A horrible wind tunnel raged inside and at the canyon’s very bottom below, waters raced and ravaged the canyon’s slick sandy sides, widening the canyon a hundred fold before my very eyes. That in turn made the powers of the wind a hundred fold stronger yet.
I, a sad and lonely man peered over the top lip of the canyon in total fascination for it was from here that I heard those unworldly plaintive echoing cries. I soon saw the speck of a tiny arctic owl struggling to break free of the ensnaring raging wind tunnel that would soon see him caught and plummeted to the grips of the nasty raging water far below, to be carried off with the sands that in turn were carried away from the sides of the canyon.
I, the sad wanderer continued to watch, totally engrossed and absorbed for the longest while, easily two or three settings and risings of the cold moon and hot sun, my own worries long and far behind me as my every being and thoughts watched the pained rise and fall of that exhausted arctic owl.
He continued to wage his life and death battle to break free of the devil’s own sinister grasp of the deadly canyon. The winds raged on and roared, deafening me even from my position of safety. My eyes were seared and the roots of my unkempt hair ached from being blown far back for so long….
Finally after what could have only been but the arctic owl’s last desperate effort, he was able to break free from the clutches of the unworldly powers of the devil’s wind. Barely managing to extricate himself, he struggled over the lip of the canyon. Gasping and tremoring, he paused at the top to regain his strength…..
He was not very far from me and I in my frozen awe was totally still. He was such a small fluffy bird to have waged such a long and heroic struggle, God! How cruel the fates are to have stricken such a small pretty bird! And a tiny, fluffy black eyed arctic owl at that! He did not even have so much as a solitary feather, wearing only his glossy white down and with the exceptions of the brilliant gold that encircled both his eyes; he was as magnificent and black as full moon night’s shadow….
Ever so slowly I inched over to him and ever slower yet, I knelt down to cradle him in my arms. Amazingly he was now already rested, his tiny heart racing like any normal birds. His enormous shiny eyes blinked up at me over mischievously and then POOF! He was gone!
It was then that it dawned on me that I no longer had my worries, fear or sadness around me. Suddenly the directions and answers I had long sought came to me and very soon after I was able to wander out of that accursed desert, never ever to return.
But I shall always thank and cherish my memories of that brave arctic owl…….
Dear Fans of Skittles, the magnificient cat, ……this morning he recanted to me two poems that he wishes to share with his international based audience. Here goes the first one:
Here I am, adore me,
Here I am, enchant me
Here I am, deify me
For I am Cat.
Paws on paper, never a tear
Paws on silk, never a fold
Paws on my heart, I am enchanted
Skittles is here.
Well that’s all for today folks. Purr….love, Andy from Ottawa and Skittles the Wonder Cat!
USA, Beware, beware…..let the UN be the international policemen…if they have the balls to….do not step in….unwelcomed or uninvited…you think Iraq, which you thought was going to be a cakewalk has cost you almost 5000 lives and you are still there….well…my friends, if I read the Muslim world and mentality as I do, being Muslim myself, Libya will be more than a tough nut to crack….it will be a rock which has a diamond inside and everybody with an IQ over room temperature knows you can’t crack a diamond. Beware! Let the UN step up to the plate for once…peace out…Andy from Canada…
Hey beloved leader of your peoples…we know that they all throw themselves at your feet….but, you stomp on the necks of quite a few of them…and for that reason the Senator Paulenti was right to describe you as a sociopathic killer….well, dear leader, child of the sun and the moon, blah blah blah…..I do have to take umbridge with the Senator on one point….he insults us highly functioning and law abiding sociopaths when he describes you on the same breath as our fun filled minor mental disability…LOL LOL….Andy from Ottawa
Dear Readers, today is February 26th, Saturday….I was going to hold off on recounting this yet another, of crazy Skittles stories and his most audacious and hilarious episodes….anyways, I will title this one Skittles versus the German Luftwaffe…and this is how is went down…Wednesday or Thursday in the afternoon, I was watching the History Channel, saw one of my favorite WWII movies called Twelve O’Clock High 1949 with Gregory Peck…I’m sure you are familiar with the movie…it’s about the story about a plane called the Picadilly Lilly and how they and a squadron of bombers have to fly and fight their way in and out of Germany. Well to make a long story short, I do have a sofa that is very close to my television console and Skittles was watching the movie with me, but he was sitting on his sofa by the TV and I was sitting on my far away sofa…then he starts swatting the screen with his paws and I could hear scritch scritch scritch with his claws on the TV screen….then I realize he is attacking the Germans who are flying and fighting against the USA plane….to be honest, I had another cat that used to do that and he too was a wise and funny cat….anyways, at last count I believe it was Skittles 11, Luftwaffe zero…..my cat wins again….teehee teehee…have a good day, Andy from Ottawa…