Men hate cheap toilet paper…we must end this..

Dear Male Readers, I am sure I am not alone in this, when our hausnfraus and wife insist on always purchasing ginormous size discount toilet paper……we already know our woman wrap their hands with toilet paper like a boxing glove and block the toilets….meanwhile, we sit down on the throne….do our business…and unwrap a reasonable amount of toilet paper and oh my God….when we wipe, with cheap toilet paper, we have given ourselves our own prostate exam…..isn’t that gross….I propose we organize a national, no let me say, international day of protest….against crappy bulk size cheap toilet paper….still moaning in pain….still flushed with embarrassment from my own self induced prostate exam….Andy from Ottawa.

Steve Earle…still the loser eh?

Steve, this is crazy Andy from Ottawa…we met in 91 and 92 in Ottawa and that was back when you were cool….you were brilliant, creative way beyond belief, loud and proud, and your life obviously proved your life set….which was learn, earn, and return i.e. to the public…..ok….so you gave up drugs, you gave up booze, and you evidently you gave up a shit load of friends and muses….who had inspired you….so for the past couple of years former fans were left gagging with the new Steve Earle…..a muted, castrated, college professor with a guitar, no band….today, I saw on the newscrawler, April 25, 2011, that you were deeply affected by Merle Haggard’s, I image, gravestone ephitaph and that’s what made you recover….p.s. Steve….detox is for quitters, abstinance is for quitters, so get real Steve….get back to your old real self and you might get mega rich, like you were before….yes, yes, I know…you still have to pay over 60 thousand dollars a month child support for all your kids…remember you told me that Steve back in 91?  so you would be mega rich again if you ever returned to your real self….alas, back when you were cool and I called you friend…..Andy from Ottawa…

Israel, you’re provoked, yet they call for a cease fire

Israel, Israel, Israel, what are you to do?  Just heard on CNN news at 3 o’clock p.m. EST, Sunday the 10th of April, that those oh so glorious warriors who launch rockets into your cities finally provoke your response, and they bleat…..We want a cease fire!  God, Israel, thank God you’re a strong people….thank goodness for your patience….because if you responded like Dayan, ya, you would have eliminated them….but you would have the neo-facists states of the EU and everyone else, except Canada and the USA jumping to their defence….regardless of their numerous murderous provocations….if you can use a 56 year old ex-cop to work in a kibbutz to free up a healthy Sabra to fight or for that matter, me to fight send me an airline ticket….Shalom, best to you all, love and respect for your country and people, Andy from Ottawa…

My Tale of the Brave Little Arctic Owl

I am a desert wanderer, struck half mad in my loneliness and confusion.  I am plagued by a constantly parched throat and my insatiable hunger.  I am lost and lonely and feel very, very sorry for myself in my miserable state.  I am sure that I am far better off to die.

Wait……What is this I hear?  From far away I hear the plaintive echoing cries of some owl, rising and falling from far off in the distance.  I soon chanced upon a vast deep canyon, one so deep and frightening that every one of my hairs stood on end.  A horrible wind tunnel raged inside and at the canyon’s very bottom below, waters raced and ravaged the canyon’s slick sandy sides, widening the canyon a hundred fold before my very eyes.  That in turn made the powers of the wind a hundred fold stronger yet. 

I, a sad and lonely man peered over the top lip of the canyon in total fascination for it was from here that I heard those unworldly plaintive echoing cries.  I soon saw the speck of a tiny arctic owl struggling to break free of the ensnaring raging wind tunnel that would soon see him caught and plummeted to the grips of the nasty raging water far below, to be carried off with the sands that in turn were carried away from the sides of the canyon.

I, the sad wanderer continued to watch, totally engrossed and absorbed for the longest while, easily two or three settings and risings of the cold moon and hot sun, my own worries long and far behind me as my every being and thoughts watched the pained rise and fall of that exhausted arctic owl.

He continued to wage his life and death battle to break free of the devil’s own sinister grasp of the deadly canyon.  The winds raged on and roared, deafening me even from my position of safety.  My eyes were seared and the roots of my unkempt hair ached from being blown far back for so long….

Finally after what could have only been but the arctic owl’s last desperate effort, he was able to break free from the clutches of the unworldly powers of the devil’s wind.  Barely managing to extricate himself, he struggled over the lip of the canyon.  Gasping and tremoring, he paused at the top to regain his strength…..

He was not very far from me and I in my frozen awe was totally still.  He was such a small fluffy bird to have waged such a long and heroic struggle, God!  How cruel the fates are to have stricken such a small pretty bird!  And a tiny, fluffy black eyed arctic owl at that!  He did not even have so much as a solitary feather, wearing only his glossy white down and with the exceptions of the brilliant gold that encircled both his eyes; he was as magnificent and black as full moon night’s shadow….

Ever so slowly I inched over to him and ever slower yet, I knelt down to cradle him in my arms.  Amazingly he was now already rested, his tiny heart racing like any normal birds.  His enormous shiny eyes blinked up at me over mischievously and then POOF!  He was gone!

It was then that it dawned on me that I no longer had my worries, fear or sadness around me.  Suddenly the directions and answers I had long sought came to me and very soon after I was able to wander out of that accursed desert, never ever to return. 

But I shall always thank and cherish my memories of that brave arctic owl…….

Liz Taylor RIP….CNN do not saturate us….

CNN, I address you specifically, please respect us, the public, enough that yes, we all loved and will miss Liz Taylor….she died at 79….she had a helluva lot of fun…and joy and success that few could ever imagine….now please do not saturate your airwaves for over a week non-stop about Liz.  Oh, and coincidently, was it not 2 days ago in Iraq that a US Soldier was killed by an IED and you only reported it on the bottom of the news crawler and you never mentioned his name.  Let’s get a little fairness here.  Heroes or Stars?  I think you know where I’m going on this.  Stars have had their time…most of them…too much of it….but what about your 5000 Heroes that gave their lives in Iraq and Afganistan and soon I’m afraid…Libyia…yours, Andy from Canada.

Libyan No Fly Zone

USA, Beware, beware…..let the UN be the international policemen…if they have the balls to….do not step in….unwelcomed or uninvited…you think Iraq, which you thought was going to be a cakewalk has cost you almost 5000 lives and you are still there….well…my friends, if I read the Muslim world and mentality as I do, being Muslim myself, Libya will be more than a tough nut to crack….it will be a rock which has a diamond inside and everybody with an IQ over room temperature knows you can’t crack a diamond.  Beware!  Let the UN step up to the plate for once…peace out…Andy from Canada…

Gang Rape of Eleven Year Old Girl…Cleveland Texas

I am aghast…totally, totally astounded still….when words of this outrage first appeared in November there abouts….TV news people question about and yack about our culture of violence…me, I say, in all truth, honesty and fairness it is the violence of a sub culture….I don’t have to paint a brush anymore than that….listen to the music, look at the videos, watch any television show about crime stories, you know what I mean….48 Hours etc….it is that same mentality…totally appalled…and as for those 18 to up to 28 people because they think 10 more were involved, if that was my daughter there would be one helluva lot of grey matter splattered on the streets of Cleveland Texas before the police had a chance to arrest them…totally disgusted…Andy from Ottawa.

Gadhafy…Senator Paulenty (USA) has your number…

Hey beloved leader of your peoples…we know that they all throw themselves at your feet….but, you stomp on the necks of quite a few of them…and for that reason the Senator Paulenti was right to describe you as a sociopathic killer….well, dear leader, child of the sun and the moon, blah blah blah…..I do have to take umbridge with the Senator on one point….he insults us highly functioning and law abiding sociopaths when he describes you on the same breath as our fun filled minor mental disability…LOL LOL….Andy from Ottawa

Charlie Sheen! Yes you are Special!

Hey Charlie, I hope you RSVP ASAP because I am a fan of yours and your Father’s for a very long time.  I always have been ie. your Father in Apocolypse Now and you in Platoon, always loved you Charlie….but getting serious here…if you call those 2 women Goddesses, honest to God Charlie, you must be using binoculars or some other form of gynecological eyewear or should I say spyware…LOL LOL….and as for you, being a special person….you got me beat Bro….you are indeed a special person with special needs…and I am not disparaging mentally challenged people when I say this to you….you disparage them….by your very existance and misbehaviour….anyways, still a fan…hope you can slime your way out of this one because I am a fan, peace out, Andy from Ottawa.

Yet another true crazy Skittles story…unbelievable!

Dear Readers, today is February 26th, Saturday….I was going to hold off on recounting this yet another, of crazy Skittles stories and his most audacious and hilarious episodes….anyways, I will title this one Skittles versus the German Luftwaffe…and this is how is went down…Wednesday or Thursday in the afternoon, I was watching the History Channel, saw one of my favorite WWII movies called Twelve O’Clock High 1949 with Gregory Peck…I’m sure you are familiar with the movie…it’s about the story about a plane called the Picadilly Lilly and how they and a squadron of bombers have to fly and fight their way in and out of Germany.  Well to make a long story short, I do have a sofa that is very close to my television console and Skittles was watching the movie with me, but he was sitting on his sofa by the TV and I was sitting on my far away sofa…then he starts swatting the screen with his paws and I could hear scritch scritch scritch with his claws on the TV screen….then I realize he is attacking the Germans who are flying and fighting against the USA plane….to be honest, I had another cat that used to do that and he too was a wise and funny cat….anyways, at last count I believe it was Skittles 11, Luftwaffe zero…..my cat wins again….teehee teehee…have a good day, Andy from Ottawa…

A Weird Wacky Skittles Story…Skittles the Bath Cat!!!!

Dear Readers and Fans of Skittles, my crazy little black and white menace….anyways, to make a long story short….the other day, I was taking my annual bath (I believe in baths once a year that way your body builds up enough antibodies to kill any germs so you don’t need all those drugs)….and as I was laying on my back bored out of my gord, I hear Skittles screaming at the top of his lungs looking for me downstairs…I called out to him and he dashed upstairs to the bathroom smashed the door open with his head, and he jumped into the bathtub onto my chest….now we will pause here….imagine what I have just told you….now flash forward….cat’s hate water….Skittles jumped into a bath because I was there…well Dear Readers when he jumped onto my chest and realized his paws were suddenly soaken wet he was off like a shot and as he slowly left the bathroom and for almost 1/2 day he was shaking his paws, all 4 of them naturally, independently to get all the water off….it was so funny….it’s too bad once again, that I don’t have a permanent home video following Skittles that I could submit so many funny stories to some television show….anyways, both Skittles and I are both recovering well from the trauma of our once a year bath….it’s a horrible thing…I think I’m going to wait until 2013 for our next bath…is that not fair Dear Readers?  I think Skittles will be over it be then, I know I’m not….all the best…Andy from Ottawa.